Written back in July/August last year. Couldn’t finish — oh, the irony. This is another one that Autopublish picked despite my thinking NO IMPOSSIBLE HOW IS THIS READY TO PUBLISH. But here we are ¯\(ツ)/¯ I keep telling myself that I need to stop writing about writing. Every time I find myself even thinking about it, my mind makes a face and turns up its non-existent nose. It has very specific ideas about what is worth writing about and what anyone, anywhere wants to hear about from me.
But what the fuck, actually?
Like, so what if I need to do this right now? It’s not going to go away just by saying it’s stupid and has no place here. I won’t be able to move on to other things before I address these big, menacing-looking tattooed dudes standing in the middle of the road, growling, baseball bats in hand. (This reminds me I really need to re-watch the first season of Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency. It also reminds me that the tattooed monsters standing in the middle of the road growling-with-baseball-bats can turn out to be the coolest, kindest lil gang in all the land, and one would do well to look beyond their propensity to beat the shit out of the hapless people standing in their way to feast on their energy.)
Conceding that I cannot simply move on to write about the shit I think I need to write about before I address these intimidating growlers. Maybe then, I will realize this was all just a misunderstanding; actually, let’s be friends you will be my sidekick from now on.
So, I’m pretty sure the only way to do that is to, well, do it. If I wanted to unblock myself and release the demon inside, I’d probably find out that the fear lurking inside all this is that scratchy patterned dude in the corner hissing that I’ll never move on if I give in. I’ll be stuck writing about writing and how hard it is and how silly I feel and I don’t know how to do this and I don’t think anyone even cares.
But people do care. They’ve told me. Also, I have repeatedly observed that the less I think I know about how to do something, the better the results. Ergo, knowing I have no idea what I’m doing is actually the best thing ever. It’s confusing, and it’s not quantifiable in the slightest. And that’s what makes it so fun.
The fear that I’ll never move on is legitimate. The fear that I’ll always be spinning my wheels avoiding writing about what my mind calls The Real Stuff is legitimate. I am an avoidant person. I have a tendency to avoid important things, unimportant things, kinda whatever things that seem important; you know, all the things, really. But writing is also how I confront shit. So I don’t think it makes sense to think that writing about writing right now will result in always and forever writing about writing.
Plus, I’ve experienced this. Once I write about something that keeps popping up in my mind and won’t leave me alone until I face it, when I’ve given it all the time and space it demands, I do move on. What I’ve unearthed through the writing becomes a part of me, all the pieces of myself that need something new come together to process, and we integrate, and we let go, and then we do in fact move on. Where to is a mystery, but we do move on.
I keep telling myself I shouldn’t bother you guys with this — I should take all this over to notebook, where only the people who signed up for all the stray thoughts will receive them.
On the other hand, the one rule I have over there is that nothing gets polished — only edited just enough that it’s comprehensible. But with these monsters, I feel the need to treat them well. Polish their edges. See them and bathe and clothe them and feed them well. Not to make them into what they’re not, but to fully appreciate them and bring out their very best.
That is, after all, what this newsletter is named — The Abysmal, the Deep within the Deep, Hexagram 29, is about saying yes, or not. This is another thing I keep needlessly making fun of myself for. I tell myself I’m just performing depth. Things actually aren’t as deep as I make them out to be. But what if they are? What the fuck is wrong with being sincere? What if shit is that deep? Anyway, I’ve left a heavily edited quote from the Rave I’Ching in the footnotes^1, if you’re interested in exactly what Line Two is really about.
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The next thing, after I talked about what happened while I was away and why, is to establish what I want. More specifically, what I think I want to do to move forward in any way, not what I think I want to achieve.
I don’t believe in knowing at all what there is to achieve. Setting realistic goals is boring, setting unrealistic dream-big-type goals is nauseating and who the fuck believes that crap. Shit is way too big and beyond comprehension. But I can comprehend what I want to spend my time doing. This here is my attempt at finding out.
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So now, let us move on. We know why I write on the internet and what for. Now let’s find out what exactly there is to do here.
First, we need to establish what’s already true. The first thing is that all the following things can be related but do not have to be.
The second is that they are all true at the same time.
The third is that money — and enough of it — is a fact of life, no matter how much one wants to pretend it isn’t or shouldn’t be. It is necessary to have access to in this world. Trying to ignore its role is never the solution to not having (enough of) it.^2
The fourth thing is more specific to me: Living in this world, observing it all with as much “scientific” rigor as I can muster, writing the observations down, changing through the process, writing about the changes, and publishing all that remains — this is the only true way for me to be alive. Ignoring this for any amount of time will always eventually become problematic.
The fifth thing is that making any of these things into a rule doesn’t work. Florence said it best:
Give me arms to pray with instead of ones that hold too tightly.^3
The sixth thing is that all of this is not a conundrum — because the seventh thing is that no matter what batshit mental thing my mind pulls to the surface in response to whatever mildly uncomfortable thing is happening in reality, the conclusion is always, sooner or later, that the only way to respond to it all is with integrity, whatever that looks like at any given point.
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OBSERVATION OR DECISION?
Being resentful about feeling^4 like nobody reads and appreciates my work is no way to exist. Feeling like nobody reads is not the same as knowing is the result of
Being resentful about thinking I am not entitled to do this at all, and about thinking it’s not okay to be open with my thoughts about doing this. Work out your thoughts in your own time
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OBSERVATION OR DECISION?
I will do something about both these things. I have dismissed the urge to both be seen and make money as the conditioned response to the discomfort and pressure of writing on the internet in times of influencer culture that it abso-fuckin-lutely is for a very long time. This was difficult because the voices repeating that same refrain in my head are both right and wrong. But it was also what I needed to find my integrity in the first place. Learning how to listen to these voice’s truth while letting the lies rest.
I have existed in tight quarters with this discomfort for as long as it took to realize I cannot^5 break myself to achieve any goal — that the goal is not what matters at all, but the means of striving towards it — and that it will only ever be possible to “be seen” for me as the way I am — never the way I think, or society thinks, or anyone else thinks, that I must be, to be seen.
Even if nothing comes of my “plan” or I abandon it immediately or somewhere down the road, or whatever shall happen, I will at least rest easy that I have finally decided to do something to be seen… the result will be that, through my having done something about it, I will finally believe that I deserve good things.
All the things I have been denying myself for fear of coming across as arrogant, morally questionable, cold, too serious, not seirous enough, whatever have you.
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OBSERVATION OR DECISION?
These are some things I cannot influence:
- I cannot make anyone like what I write
- I cannot make anyone give me money
- I cannot choose who finds my work and likes it or not
- I cannot “just be myself” — we are always a cauldron of our own nature and nurture, of transiting influence, of the people around us
- I cannot always choose who I spend time in close proximity to^6
- I cannot make my body move or my brain work when either of them need rest^7
- As I cannot make them rest when they want to be active
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OBSERVATION OR DECISION?
These are things I have some say in, at least some of the time. These are values I strive to live by.
- I can suspend judgement of what my body and brain want to do until I’ve seen and lived with the results
- I can notice my resistance towards thoughts and urges that keep coming back, no matter my internal narrative around them
- I can play with letting the resistance go.
- I can let people be who they are in any given moment^8
- I can relaxing into what my body wants within the limits of what is currently possible.
- I can accept whatever is currently happening in my life, for better or worse.
- I can make decisions according to What Is instead of what my mind says Should Be.
That’s great and all! Tbh though this sounds like I’m plagiarizing the Every Enlightened Being That Ever Existed Time. But these are just my real and sincere thoughts, reflected upon and written down.
That said, one more thing I can choose is to take myself and my thoughts seriously. To be more sincere. The irony speak and sarcasm that I employ heavily in my writing can get grating even to me. I’ve had friends more than once that, no matter the subject, they simply would not exit the sarcasm track, ever. That shit is exhausting. It’s fine to mock tropes and clichés a bit here and there when warranted, but the train must stop at Sincerity Station at some point, and, yes, I am deliberately using that analogy to make my point. Clichés are what they are, quite often, for a reason: they communicate universal truths in a way almost everyone understands. That can be very valuable. Resisting them at all costs just for Individuality’s sake, as I often do compulsively, is not a virtue and I do strive to get past this at some point.
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OBSERVATION OR DECISION?
I cannot foresee in the slightest how this will go, if at all. All I know is what is becoming clear throughout writing only what wants to be written, and letting myself stay with that at all times. I narrate what is happening. Through writing, I become. I recently found Miguel Ruiz’s Agreements in my bookshelf, though my boyfriend was certain he just saw it in the garage, and I reminded myself and him that actually, it’s not bullshit, this one. Most of them aren’t. Humans just tend to pick the small pieces of ancient or modern that feel convenient to them, fail to understand them correctly because Tiktok was much more interesting, and proceed to butcher them entirely. Human Design is one of these things. We don’t pay attention, and this will be our downfall.
The first agreement is: be impeccable with your word. My boyfriend asked, isn’t this kinda hard for you, or even near impossible? I don’t think so, I think this is exactly what I live by. I’m glad I’ve finally come to understand this part of my psyche. My brain uses words
I want to pay attention to the words I write. I do. Of course it makes me sad sometimes when it looks like nobody else does this.
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After this, I will need to talk about Human Design. What is going on, why have I been reluctant to use that language for quite some time now, how “being in Human Design” always felt like to me, how does it feel like now, what do I want to do and be going forward. I think this will be long and by necessity divided into parts. If you’re curious about anything specific pertaining to that general area of inquiry, questions always help me write, so if you have any, please submit them here! You’re welcome to leave your name for me to mention or not, whatever you want is fine.
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This was written with Björk’s Homogenic (with the last two tracks hidden, they just don’t speak to me like the rest) on repeat. If you haven’t listened to it and have even somewhat of an eclectic taste in music, please try it. It’s a masterpiece. I particularly recommend the three least-listened-to-on-Spotify tracks in the middle — All Neon Like, 5 Years, Immature. They’re divine.
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footnotes
1. from the Line Companion:
Hexagram 29 — The Abysmal
29.2 Assessment
People with the second line project outwards that they’re always ready to say yes. “Come and ask me. I am ready to say yes.”
Persistence tempered by caution. The caution here concerns the lack of introspection because it is projection — though they project outwards that they are ready to be persistent, that they have the power to be persistent, they don’t really know whether that power exists.
This is not mental caution. It is not an awareness that says, “Aha, I have to be careful about where I put my energy.”
The Sun exalted: The power of sustainment as a guiding light. In the white book: Saying yes and the power to persevere. This power exists. These people project outwards that they are ready to persevere but they don’t know whether they can, or not. It may not work for them. They may be found out, they may not have the necessary resources to persist in that particular experience, whatever it may be. Venus in detriment, A tendency to overcautiousness when persistence is perceived as adding to rather than ending disharmony.
Say someone has the 29.2, and they’re asked if they want to try rollerblading, and they say “yes.” Now somebody else, someone close to them says, “yeah, but that costs a lot of money and people get broken legs and the pavement here really isn’t great.” If this person is important to them —somebody they want to have a harmonious relationship with — they are now likely to be much more cautious and restrained. In that moment they might discover that they may not have the resources after all. This is how they suddenly become cautious.
Something that’s built into all the lines of the 29th hexagram is this holding back from making the commitment — but it’s the product of having had a difficult experience much more often than simple common sense or the awareness that one would do well to be cautious.
The caution here comes from having gotten burnt. Water does not like fire. These people can always get burnt from the experience they commit to. They can always suffer and say, “I can’t do that anymore. I can’t take those kind of chances anymore. I can’t commit myself to those kinds of things anymore.”
They become more cautious, but not because they are more aware. The difficulty of the experience becomes a burden for them because they will never know whether they have the resources for it.
2.To be clear, when I say “enough,” I mean enough of it to survive and sometimes buy things that aren’t strictly necessary but also not extravagant in any way, like taking my kid for three scoops of ice cream and whipped cream on his last day of school before summer vacation. For absolute clarity, I’m talking about roughly €3,000 (after tax) here in Germany — I haven’t had access to that kind of money, ever, much less reliably.
We are not talking about the philosophical “what is enough,” we are literally talking enough to properly feed a child and live off without needing to come up with scrappy, time-and-energy-heavy solutions to problems that are quickly and easily solved by spending €20-100.
3.The risk inherent in being a third line personality, on the Cross of Laws to boot, is the compulsion to make everything that works out once into a rule for life going forward.
Actually, it’s a risk inherent in being human. Trial and error is the material way. Humans are made of matter, so it is also the human way.
You suffer through all these things that don’t work, so when something finally does, the (completely natural and understandable) urge is to lock it down as a rule forever and ever. But things don’t finally work out right in a vacuum. Things that work do so because they happened at the right time in the right environment with the right level of experience — or not.
Sometimes they work in spite of none of those things being present. Luck, we call it.
If there is one law I know of that always holds, it is that: it depends.
4.I mean this almost literally. This is part of the cats-out-of-the-bag-cant-stuff-it-back-in that happens in the wake of any kind of waking up from the illusion of separateness. I believe I am qualified to make this assumption because, again, literally, I have tried. I have tried to break myself, but my body will no longer do it. This can become the subject of a new round of mental suffering, but it’s an entirely new quality of mental suffering — the suffering of subjugating oneself to what one’s is simply not
5.A real bag ‘o worms, this one. I believe this is a matter of belief, and I’m with the no-choice-rs here. I do not believe I get to decide with my brain who I want to spend my time with. This stems from my experience as a single mom for the past eight-ish years. I am entirely aware that it may have been possible for me to go out and make a different reality, etc. But that kind of thinking also kept me completely stuck for almost all of that time. Telling myself I should be able to (insert anything, eg. have friends, make money, go out, exercise) whilst in a space where none of it was currently physically possible (I am asking you to please just suspend judgment here and believe me, I was in no state for any of those things to be possible with any amount of willpower) me kept me in a spiral of shame that might have been easily lifted by ackowledging that, yes, maybe this is just my lot in life right now. Maybe i cannot choose right now. But accepting that this is just what is is would have spared me the energy spent on resisting what was, etc, thereby opening up the capacity to respond to my environment in a way that would have enabled me to feel good less shitty about it, therefore opening of the capacity to maybe do one of those things one can supposedly “choose” to do after all.
6.This is often a matter of capacity, not choice. The choice, then, lies in caring for myself in such a way that the capacity is there more often than not.
Last revised May 2, 2026.